Cliches - reworked

My take on common clichés:

cold as ice - cold as my grandma, three days post-funeral

cute as a button - cute as my grandma, before she died.

tough as nails - tough as the frozen, mid-winter, ground that was shoveled aside for my grandma’s casket.

smooth as silk - smooth as the luscious hair on the medical examiner who ruled my grandma’s death a homicide

pretty as a picture - pretty as the pigtails on grandpa’s new mistress

black as pitch - black as the ink covering the redacted statements addressing my inheritance in grandma’s will

eager as a puppy - eager as grandpa to date a twenty year old

sweeter than sugar - sweeter than grandma’s blood sugar before she went into diabetic ketoacidosis 

the strong, silent type - the strong, silent type, much like my grandma now, because she’s dead

my heart skipped a beat - my heart skipped a beat, much like grandma’s heart but grandma’s heart actually was the cause of undiagnosed heart arrhythmia and also diabetic complications and a suspected homicide.

The Crazy Shrink - A Short Script

Crazy Shrink

Dr. Niehaus: Hi Beth, good to meet you, my name is Dr. Niehaus. Right off the bat, I just want you to know that this is a safe space. I am not here to judge. Everything you say will stay within these walls, unless of course I feel you are in harm’s way. You are free to say as much or as little as you want. Again, I just want to stress that I will never judge you.

Beth: Nice to meet you, Dr. Niehaus. I’ve had a pretty rough go lately, so I’m probably going to have too much to say, if anything.

Dr. Niehaus: I’ve had some pretty chatty patients, so you wouldn’t be the first. Go right ahead.

Beth: Well, my parents are getting a divorce right now. It’s been pretty tough. I know I’m living on my own and I shouldn’t feel this affected by it, but it’s just hard, you know?

Dr. Niehaus: No, actually. My parents were killed by religious leaders immediately after I was born. I never had parents.

Beth: Oh - oh my gosh. I- I am so sorry for your loss.

Dr. Niehaus: Yeah, it’s okay. Anyways though.

Beth: Yeah, okay, well. They’ve been married for twent-

Dr. Niehaus. You know, because I never had parents, I’ve always felt a loss. But it isn’t the type you’re probably feeling. In fact, it’s worse. It’s more of this nagging loss. It just takes control of every aspect of my life.

Beth: I’m so sorry Dr. Niehaus, do you want to talk about this? Or should I get someone?

Dr. Niehaus: No, no, I’m fine. I just was trying to put your pain in perspective. Sorry for interrupting though, please continue.

Beth: Okay. Well, I grew up an only child, so I had a pretty lonely upbringing. My parents were my best friends.

Dr. Niehaus: You know what? Not only did I not have parents, but I didn’t have friends. I wasn’t actually introduced to civilization until I was 19. I raised myself in the woods. Yeah, I guess you could say I was pretty lonely too. 

Beth: Oh wow, in the woods? Okay, well, as I was saying. Being lonely my whole life sort of caused me to have this weird co-dependence with my parents-

Dr. Niehaus: You think you’re co-dependent? I literally grew up without ever leaving the side of a muskrat I found near my sleeping hole in the forest. I tried to surgically conjoin us to ensure he’d never leave my side. Look at my scar. The only reason I even left the forest was because he died. 

Beth: I - don’t know what I’m supposed to do right now. Also, wait, can muskrats even live 19 years?

Dr. Niehaus: You lost the plot, you daft cow. What planet do we live on where muskrats live 19 years? I found him when I was 15. And, since you were so keen to bring him up, I literally have burn marks on my fingers from when I tried to cremate his body. It was the dead of winter, right after a snowstorm, and the fire kept blowing in my face before going out. The weeks I spent trekking out of the forest, I went without food, water, and sleep. Even oxygen at certain points. You do realize I had to teach myself the English language from the echoes of distant hikers, right? It’s interesting, you know, to hear people talk about their modern struggles. Boy, what I would give to have divorced parents. What I would give to feel the stress of not living up to my parent’s expectations. You know what I dealt with instead? E. Coli, six times. Leprosy. Diptheria. Scarlet fever. You name it. I didn’t know poop could be solid until I was 25. But really, Beth, tell me more about your parent’s divorce and your all-too-intense friendship with them.

Beth: I- Was that rhetori-?

A timer dings

Dr. Niehaus: Ah, well, our session is up. Great work today, I think we’ve made some real progress. I’m proud of you. Will I be seeing you next week?

Rejected Submissions for Seventeen Magazine's 'Daily Traumarama'

My take on Dede Preno’s genius work. As I am a teenage girl, Seventeen’s trauma(rama) hits too close to home. Instead, enjoy the middle-aged edition!

Troubling experience today. Margie’s cat died - so sad - and I went to post a comment on the FaceBook. Well, apparently commenting “Rest In Peace, Whiskers. A loss for the community! LOL” does NOT mean what you’d think! Turns out ‘LOL’ has nothing to do with ‘Lots of Love.’ No thanks to the meshugenah who told me that - yet another reason not to trust the goys. Apology note will be written ASAP (as soon as possible, right? Just checking) Blaming it on menopause and early onset, am I right ladies? - Elaine, 54, Merrick